When Good
Parenting Hurts
I know I’m not the only one guilty of
over-parenting at times. Watching our children
struggle hurts. There is a natural
inclination for us to want to help them.
For example, your child cannot do the monkey
bars. She is so sad that her older
sisters can do it and she cannot. So,
each time you go to the playground, you help her across the bars by holding her
body. “There you go, you did it!” you
say. She did?
As parents, we need to know when to sit with
the discomfort of watching our child struggle long enough to allow them the
chance to succeed. What if all of those
times that you went to the playground your daughter struggled, fell, got up and
tried again?
What if you used your hands instead to wipe away her tears and told her to keep practicing? She would eventually get it. Your heart may
ache during the process but, this time it would truly be her success to celebrate. She
would know that she is capable.
These are the moments we need to give our children
back. Success is not often instant
gratification. It comes with hard work
and learning how to pick ourselves up after we fall down a few times.
How will our children ever learn how to pick
themselves up if we never let them fall in the first place?
But how do we know when to help or when to
wait?
My youngest child suffered from such severe
separation anxiety during the preschool years that she actually became
physically ill and would shake the night before a day of school. We tried everything to help ease her into the
transition and feel comfortable and safe but nothing worked.
After weeks of trying, I finally said “enough
is enough” and decided to pull her out of school and let her detox for a few
months. It was affecting her health and
emotional well-being.
I worried I was being over-protective. I worried that she'd never go back but the truth was that she needed me to honor where she was during
that time in her life. She was not ready. She needed slower introductions to social
situations without me helping. She
needed time.
And, in this case, it was the best gift I
could have given her.
After homeschooling for a few months, we sent
her to a Waldorf Kindergarten and then held her back a year so she once again started
traditional kindergarten the following year.
It was like magic. Honoring where she was and allowing her time
to grow has enabled her to absolutely LOVE her kindergarten experience and this
Monday she will be going on her first play date without me. To those of you who know us, this is a HUGE thing
that I wondered if she would ever be able to do at all.
But in other cases, I became aware of "rescue
parenting" that was creeping in and hindering my children’s ability to learn how
to problem solve and grow into self-sufficient and independent human beings.
For example, one of my daughters struggles
more with fine motor skills. I would
watch her fumble and take 20 minutes to tie her shoe laces while her younger
sister zipped through the task in 3 minutes. My heart would ache for her.
When she did tie her shoes the knots were
often loose and would come undone again.
As a result, I found myself helping her or finishing up so she would
somehow feel better about herself that her shoes got tied correctly. I wanted to protect her self-esteem. My intentions were good.
What I found, however, was the opposite. She eventually shared with me that she felt
horrible that I always had to help her.
She didn’t mind the time it was taking her to tie her own shoes. She just wanted to do them herself and was
determined to keep on trying. She was being
patient with herself and the process and I was unsatisfied. I was afraid she couldn't do it.
What message was I sending her?
I promised myself that no matter how much she
struggled, I was going to let her do it herself. Even if it meant waking her up a bit earlier
in the mornings so time was not an issue.
Even if it meant the laces became untied and she had to do it again and
again.
It was hard and it sure as hell was not instant
gratification. It took what seemed like forever.
BUT, I’m proud to say she now ties her shoes
well and within a much shorter amount of time than way back then.
All without me… can you imagine that?
Knowing when to help and when to wait is a hard
balance for us as parents. I believe,
however, that if (like me) you work on becoming mindful about pausing before
you help and make it a priority – you will soon begin to recognize when you are
helicopter parenting and when you are truly helping your child in a beneficial
way.
And yes, I’m talking to you:
Mom with the middle school child who could
easily learn to make his or her own lunch but you are afraid they won’t include
all of the necessary food groups.
Or you, Mom whose daughter desperately wants
to learn to do her own hair but you do not like the way it comes out when she
does it so you do it yourself rather than letting her learn by trial and
error (and go to school looking like that).
Or you, Dad whose teenager keeps oversleeping
so you help them out the door by packing up their bag, grabbing their lunch out
of the fridge or a million other things that you do each morning to make sure they make
their bus on time.
What would happen if they missed the bus,
along with first period and had to stay in for detention that day? Maybe they will be less likely to press ‘snooze’
the next morning?
What natural consequences can we allow our
children to endure so they can learn from life firsthand?
How many times have you zipped up your child’s
coat out of love rather than letting them struggle a bit to learn how to manage
it themselves?
Or cut up your older child’s meat rather than
allowing them to learn how to properly use a knife?
Or called the parents of the neighbor’s child
who just made your son cry without giving him the chance to go work it out
first?
I've done it TONS of times!
Often, in our effort to help our children we are actually stealing away their independence. We are telling them (without words) that they
are incapable, dependent and they can’t do it themselves. Ever.
“Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.” ~Robert A. Heinlein
Life and learning is not always easy. Let’s not always feel like we need to make it
so for our children.
My new goal is to make sure whatever I’m doing
is helping my child to feel loved, self-sufficient, strong and capable. I want them to have the tools to grow into confident
and independent adults that are not afraid to meet a challenge, struggle or yes, even to fall
flat on their ass once in a while.
So the next time you go to open up that snack
for your child – STOP! Give your child
the chance to try to learn how to do it for himself.
“You want a snack? Great, go make a healthy one.”
“You got an undeserved C- on your school paper?
That’s horrible! Be sure to work that
out with your teacher in the morning.”
“Your friend has been unkind to you? That must have been really hurtful. I hope you can work it out. You have been good friends for so long.”
When to
step-in and do something immediately:
- Your
child is being bullied.- Your
child’s health is in danger.- Your
child’s safety is at risk.- Your
child needs advice or more ideas to figure out how to handle things on his or her
own (but let him think it through himself first!).- Your
child seems depressed.- Your
child has really given it his all but truly needs more help from you.- Your
child has physical or mental disabilities that require more assistance.
Otherwise, back-off mom and go enjoy a well-deserved
moment or two of peace.
Feel free to share this article to help others just please keep the bio below in-tact:
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Eileen Straiton
is a work-at-home mother to four daughters. She writes and publishes Waldorf
inspired ebooks and facilitates ecourses for parents, teachers and caregivers
at Little Acorn Learning. Eileen applies her love of
nature-based learning in her work as owner and lead teacher at Little Acorn
Playgarden in Brookfield, Connecticut. Visit her blog, Eileen's Place, or her Facebook page, for
more great ideas and activities.
